Josiah.

i bought a juul.
only smoked one cigarette since i bought it last thursday.

i think that overall this is good for me, because i only use the nicotine to feel the effects of the nicotine. I no longer have this callous and passive aggressive idea of self harm to get my nicotine fix. No longer letting tar accumulate in my lungs, intentionally straining my heart, feeding into the thought that i do want to die and i’m okay with smoking being my cause of death because i asked for it. i stoked my apathy with dismissal of health concerns, making light of other unhealthy habits because of the trainwreck that was already in motion with the cigarettes, while chastising myself for knowing better to treat myself with more care.

i only have the nicotine addiction to feel bad about. it is an addiction, but it’s no longer a guaranteed fatality like smokes are. i’m not really killing myself just a little bit more like i do with cigarettes- not like i’m steadily hammering away at my vitality. it’s more like standing in front of the microwave even though you’ve been told not to and scoffing at how far away these supposed consequences could arise. but i suppose that was my attitude with cigarettes when i started smoking too.

it’s a step though. it’s nice to not stink.

took a “nap” at 10

set an alarm for 12

got out of bed at 3:30

don’t know why my ass hit snooze the entire time

i have a terrible habit of disappearing from social gatherings the moment i start to feel uncomfortable

i’m sad and i wanna talk about it and tell people but i don’t want to bum them out so i just stand around quietly being boring as hell because i can’t say what i want to say because who even wants that

nobody wants that on them people just want to have a good time

you’re not a good time